Every good things in life ends in good endings. Fluttering it's way through new beginnings, a never ending cycle. What about those things that are good at first but lately disappears like bubbles popping while blown on a windy day. It was as you start to build sandcastles on a beach, with angry tides rummaging beneath, claiming the castles inch by inch. And in times of senseless oblivion,here comes the tide again, back with now gentle waves lapping, rediscovering the beauty of the beach once destroyed by it.
This is how i interpret a love so short-lived it opened doors to the most inept situations i have been. He was my ever first and last boyfriend in highschool...but after the night we became a pair, we never saw each other again. Friends say he has this personal issues that he wants to be alone.
That left me so confused. I learned not to be so compulsive and I waited for the time that he will open up to me. There are peer pressures, sure. Kids at school knew we were in a relationship, and i felt empty and alone. It's like having a imaginary boyfriend, nothing exists at all., to think he was out there,so distant i cannot reach.
I have been asking myself, does he really mean to hurt me and those things he said to me were all lies? Was he just playing around with my feelings? I have decided to ask him myself what on his mind to keep me from thinking this was all my fault and i was such a fool believing on something that was not even there.
Graduation ball. Me and my friends are having fun but my mind is wandering around, thinking he was somewhere in the crowd. He was there, alright, I have forgotten how it went, things led one thing to another, and later found ourselves talking to each other, not minding the the people around. He told me about his plans in the future and obviously that does'nt include me. I listened in silence. I forgot to ask him what i'm about to ask. My heart is pounding and crashed in defeat. The message is clear. He was to consider his own priorities. I was so afraid to break it to him, to end this relationship so we could move on...
Years have passed, i heard nothing from him. Friends come with news from him but i was too wayward to listen. I dont want to hear from him anymore. It will only make me so upset.
To help myself move on, i went with other guys. I made my way through relationships effortlessly like playing games. When it comes to serious relationships nothing is ever successful. Maybe i just had'nt gotten over him.
I've been carrying this weight for 13 years now, way back the time he left without saying a thing. The fact that the resilience had nothing to do with the love that had vanished a few years before. I just learned to forgive even if that someone had ever begged for forgiveness.
Until this very day,after that rueful 13 years, we bumped into each other, through the net. He broke his silence. His estrangement proved rather futile. He admitted his fault. By then our conversations went deeper and came to a point that he apologized for the things that he has done and what he had failed to do...
I tried to remember the feeling but there was nothing there. Through the years i learned to forget. Everything has changed. And it also changed the way i am. I am no longer the sweet but naive girl he used to fool around with. I have been more cautious of love.
I have these few lines of a song from a famous filipina singer, Joey Albert:
"So while the song still brings that certain glow,
And the words just sing of love, i know,
It is'nt quite the way it was before,
I remember the boy but i dont remember the feeling anymore....."
The song struck me. It made my heart break again...i have waited. Yes, i waited for him for the longest time. All this time, i wondered had he ever think of me, asked about me and how was i doing? Now i knew... he REALLY asked about me. Because he knew what has become of me these past few years. I've learned from him he already had his family but have not married the mother of his child yet. I ask why but it's just a long pause. I think it's too late for us to make up for the wasted time.
We'd rather stay friends. As bittersweet as it seems, i guess that ends as a good start for the both of us.
I wished him both love and happiness. Though it took some time just to say goodbye to someone that has been a part of you. I have no regrets on choosing him, as being part of his past had somehow made me feel that i was once being loved.
I had forgiven him long before he had this chance to apologize. This is what unconditional love was all about.